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open letter to loverzan


Today is July 24th, 2004, the day we once planned to get married. If it hurt as bad for you as it did for me, I am truly sorry.

I was hardly even thinking about it on Friday. Beth and I went to Buster's play, finally, on its closing night. We were drinking a beer before the show, standing in the doorwell. I was wearing a cool pair of glasses and feeling mighty cool, I was glad to be out, and glad I wasn't going to miss Buster's performance.

I saw Krista and her friend coming up, and I was glad to see her. I wanted to thank her for being a comfort to you and giving you driving lessons. As she came up I launched out my non-beer arm to hug her, but she lifted her hand and gently put my arm back down and shook her head no.

Of course everyone has a right to hug whom they please, but that really shook me up. Suddenly nothing seemed right. I don't know if she was just trying to show solidarity with you, if she was trying to let me know it was inappropriate that I was out with Beth, if she was angry at me and didn't want to be even that intimate, or if she just saw that I was jubilant and full of myself and just wanted to sober me a bit...she certainly did.

I tried to just play it cool and not show any needless drama. We didn't even wait for Buster after the play (Krista is Buster's girl). I thought of a thousand things to say to her, and was proud that I just kept my mouth shut, but I couldn't hide to myself how hurt my feelings were.

I woke up this morning and as the day wore on I just felt worse and worse. I could feel it in my body, in my chest, in my head. Nothing was fun, I was kind of a zombie. At first I just thought it was about the night before, but then I checked my messages and Cara had called to check on me and see how I was doing. I was touched, and really remembered what day it was. Then it all made sense. It didn't feel any better but it made sense. The heat of the day was so hot and sad in my head.

I tried to distract myself...I went to see Spider Man, but I just cried at all the dumb sad parts and when I got out I felt even worse. Beth and I went to the Capitol Hill block party and I saw Buster and Krista sitting on the curb. I said hi to Buster and felt so sad and awkward that things were this way. I knew she probably didn't mean me any ill will, but I just felt so judged, and couldn't even look her in the eye.

Finally I knew I had to make some kind of step, some kind of break, some kind of letting go. So I struck off on my own and just started walking north from the U. District. I walked into a barber shop, and for the first time in years, paid someone to trim my beard, just like I used to. It was so hot and I just hadn't been able to bring myself to do it before that point. You always did such a good job with your little scissors, and I couldn't bear to think of doing it any other way.

I went to see a cool little mother-in-law apartment the other day. It was very nice. The husband who lives there is a cabinetmaker, and he had done the new kitchen beautifully. It was a lovely place, and a really good deal. I put in an application Friday and she said she'd call me Monday. I checked my messages as I was waiting for the bus to Ben's house. She had called and said we should set up an appointment.

I called her back and she was so warm and sweet. She said she liked my application, and that my references were stellar (thanks again, Ben and Buster). She said that she and her husband are Buddhist as well, and that she had a really good feeling about it.

Then I did too. For the first time today I felt a little hope, and had something to look forward to.

Thank you for the bed. Thank you for being such an amazing friend and lover. You were good to me and I look forward to the day when all this pain has died down enough for us to have a friendship.




Me too.