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i'm sorry i can't explain it to you better

I was really feelin’ the freedom the first few nights. Wow, I thought, I can do whatever I want. I went out and stayed out late with friends, and rented all kinds of weird movies that only I would like.

I went to several parties, including a sarong party. I went to a Balinese import shop and bought a pretty sarong, and had the lady show me how to wear it. I looked pretty foxy and I walked wild all over Cap Hill, causing whatever trouble I could manage to get into.

Then, on the third of July, I went over to a friend’s housewarming party and stepped off a curb wrong and twisted my foot. It immediately felt like the party was over. I stayed home by myself of July 4th, and nursed my foot and iced it and did some billable work and watched movies. I felt really lonely and I missed fireworks, which I have always loved.

It made me feel extra mortal, and really feel the hard work I have to do in rebuilding my life and slowly finding this new vision.

Then today, I went over to Roseanne’s house to expedite some car moving. I saw Sam, Roseanne’s kid there. I’ve seen him a couple of times, but didn’t know how to say goodbye to him or how to say…anything to him. But I was really moved and so I asked him to come sit out on the couch with me.

“Sam”, I said, “I’m really sad that I’m not going to be able to see you around as much. I’d kinda gotten used to it.” I stalled for a long time.

“Does it feel weird?” I asked.

He stuck half his hand in his mouth, “Yes.”

“How come?”

“I don’t know, it just feels wierd.”

“Is your mom sad?”

He thought about it for awhile, and removed all but one finger. “Yeah.”

“I…I’m sorry I can’t explain this to you a little better.”

“I’m sorry too.”

That kind of threw me for a loop. “You mean…sorry I can’t explain it to you better?”


“I just want you to know that I really love you. You know the rocket we were building?”


“Tell your mom to set it aside and I will come build it with you and we’ll shoot it off.”

“Cool.” He thought for awhile, then pointed to a big vase sitting in the front garden, “You see that vase? I filled it with water while I was watering the garden.”

“That’s cool.”

I’m so sorry I can’t explain it to you better, Sam. If I could, I would just tell you the whole story. But I can’t. And there’s nothing but the whole story that would come close to an explanation. I’ll miss you, kiddo. I can’t wait until we can shoot off that four foot florescent pink rocket.



Sam loves the TinTin book you left him from the library. He says it's the best one ever. He's been carrying it around everywhere, telling and retelling the jokes from it and laughing his butt off.