winter insomnia
It's cold here in a way that it never is in Seattle. I felt pretty tough about it, even though my mom said to pack all the warm things I had. It just hits and bites your skin and endeavors to work it's way down into your core. It's taxing.
I've been reading another Saul Bellow book, that damn old Chicagoan, and I feel closer than ever to him here. It's Saul Bellow's coming-of-age story, and I'm like, goddamnit, when am I ever going to come of age anyway, so I can write my own damn coming of age story...or just knowingly hint at it with glints in my eye.
Really though, it's cold here. I miss the women but at the same time I feel further away from everyone than ever, and not just by miles. Buddhists don't have destiny, not in the same way as everyone else, with their destinies of glory. There's just everyone's same old destiny of awakening. Chogyam Trungpa said once, something like, "You want to be able to see yourself being enlightened, with all your followers watching you arise into the air, but it's not like that. From the point of view of ego, enlightenment is the ultimate disappointment."
We walked through the strip mall store parking lots, with the cold sucking at us, looking for something I thought to be a common item. I won't say what because it's someone's Holiday Gift (tm). It's all over Jay Leno's monologues, the white house holiday card, the struggle between Christmas and the non-denominational American Holiday Experience. Kay Jewelers with a touching commercial about a very well-groomed Santa Clause giving DeBeers brand diamonds to his tastefully sexy old wife.
The first night I was so tired from a housewarming party I slept immediately upon going to bed. Tonight I of course squirmed for hours in the time-zone difference. I forgot to tell my friends I'm here. Hopefully I can still get them to come eat some chili.
Thank whoever there is to thank for my mom...and the other Karen, who gave me a kind ride to the airport.