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the 6th trump

How do you ever get the courage to love again? How do you get the courage to make commitments to each other knowing the fickleness of the human heart? By God, how on Earth can you make a baby?

In one of the most painful situations I've ever been peripherally involved in, two of my friends who have lived together and raised their young son together are breaking up, and all the messy nasty insane manipulative stained cruelty that that entails.

It always seems so nice at first. They're so sexy...they teach you things you never knew about before...they fuck you in a new and exciting way you've never been fucked before and say all kinds of sweet things you've never heard before.

Finally, you say to yourself. Someone really has faith in me. Someone sees the best in me. Someone loves me.

It's like having a best friend, but a sexy best friend. They feel like a new part of your family. They meet your family. You hold them in your arms like a baby and if you're not too much of a jaded bastard you tell them you want to be with them forever. And goddamn it you mean it.

You make plans. You move in. You intertwine lives.

Then one day you're getting your friends to write depositions stating for the record what a bastard they are, and trying to calm your poor young son when he freaks out on the living room floor over some unrelated thing, and you know he's really freaking out because everything he thought was stable in his little universe is shattered forever and he can't do a goddamn thing about it.

But you can't give up. So you give those depositions to your lawyer and try not to turn into the demon that they have become. You pick up the pieces and try to hold it together.

I don't understand how you even think to try it again. Forgetfulness perhaps.


OW, OH, OW. ow.

I guess it's like having a baby. The pain is quite the most unavoidable and unbearable you've ever felt but you are closer to god and creation than you've ever been, and there's this amazing feeling of love and hope, that maybe, just maybe life isn't just a fucking pisshole full of stupid(or far too clever) angry people taking their misery out on everyone else in a desperate attempt to avoid being alone with their own inadequacies and fears.
Maybe you think that just perhaps there's a thin thread of hope that one person could actually see you, understand you, forgive you... LOVE you because you're trying to be a good person in a crazy world.
Or it could just be the amazing precious feeling of being in love, if I can feel such a wonderous giving feeling for someone there, again, is hope.
Hope: I don't feel much right now. Just that I hope to be a good mother for my son and bring him through this with as much wisdom and farsight as I can muster.
For myself?-there's miles of shit to trudge through before my life is together enough to get serious about having another person in it.
And, like having a baby, it takes a fuck of a long time for the memory of the pain to fade...

do I sound a bit bitter?

Oh rzan, it will be better. Try to be as kind as you can so that you won't be haunted by hurtful things you said to someone you used to love. Especially since you are connected forever through your son. Trite advice from Dan's MOM. Take care, dear.

Thank you, Karen.

I am trying, with all my heart. I told our friends that they didn't have to say anything bad, just the truth and all the good things they could about my mothering. I am not engaging in slander, I am trying to see the truth about what is happening and why and how I can make it all work-somehow!

That sucks big time. I've been in the juvenile field for almost 7 years now and I hate to say it but these kinds of cases (I can't comment on this one in particular, but in general I speak) usually aren't about the best interest of the child. It is usually between the parents and their conflict.