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the love side: sex week finale

Well, I had a few other plans for sex week, but the holidays caught up with me and I think it's time to bring it to a close, kids.

I've written about just about every side of sex except the most important part, the part that makes me realize that I probably won't be celibate forever. The part about love.

Let me tell you a little story. When I was 19 I lived in Illinois, in the town I grew up in. I would sit at either Denny's, or the only cool coffee shop in town, Cafe Esperanto, and there I would write my aching poetry.

There I was, in the cool coffee shop, smoking cigarettes and looking terribly deep, when I looked up and saw her, this bright girl. Her face was so damn pretty and animated, it was like my radar just locked on. I had that moment of fumbling inner desperation when a young man says to himself, "Is there any way to make this happen?"

Sort of. A long shot, really.

The girl who was sitting next to this girl was someone I recognized from my high school. I didn't even remember her name, but I somehow managed to get up the cojones to start with that most tenuous of connections, "Hey, don't you go to my high school?"

Luckily this beautiful girl's friend seemed to have sympathy for my plight. She was warm and friendly, allowing me to sit down and chat them up so fiercely that they had no choice but to invite me to accompany them bowling.

I gave her a hug in the bowling alley parking lot and got her number. It seemed so natural, I called her and asked her if she wanted to go to a movie and of course she did. I have never really 'dated' because it always seemed clear to me when I met someone where there was mutual interest, we just knew right away and we just spent time together. There was no trying to keep our distance or be cool. I just introduced her to my friends and she introduced me to her friends (some of whom it turned out I already knew) and that was that.

She was so intensely witty and bright, with this kind of tactless, incendiary charm. She would tend to elicit strong reactions in people, either they hated her, or they recognized her brilliance and loved her like me. Her family situation was seriously fucked up, and so much of her wit and sauce was to cover up the pain, but I didn't fucking care. I just straight up loved her.

Se was just so goddamn beautiful, with these amazing broad shoulders and just...when she would just be so funny and off the cuff, I couldn't believe she liked a dork like me so much.

A few weeks after meeting her, her parents left town for the weekend (fools!) and she planned a party which would kind of be our first public appearance as a couple. It was a fun party, but I only had my mind on finally getting to lay down in peace with my beautiful new girlfriend, and I could hardly wait until we got everyone out of the house or bedded down for the night. Then, when we climbed nervously into her bed, I thought that I had never looked upon a girl who was so sexy.

I don't remember that first time too well, we were both pretty lit. I do, however remember the many other times that summer we got a chance to do the same thing. In my bed, or many times on a blanket out in a big field near my house we called "the grove".

I remember once there, a little mild lightning storm started and the air was crackling with electricity as we began our lovemaking.

"Remember when I moved in you
and the holy dove was moving too
and every breath we drew was Hallelujah."

- Leonard Cohen

I had no doubt in my mind at that moment that I loved her...that she was my beautiful, warm girlfriend and that everything about being inside her was good. It was then that I first knew that there were no adequate words for love, and that I would only sound foolish if I tried to find some.

That wasn't the only time, either. She was so precious to me, and she was buck wild besides. As soon as we were done she was merely biding her time until we could do it again. She taught me all kinds of freaky things that I was too young to really take advantage of at the time, but secretly I most loved when we would just have straight, delicious, simple vanilla sex. Nothing could have been more exciting or sensual to me than that.

I left her there in Rockford to move to Seattle, and she was married before I really got the chance to tell her how much I loved her.

I have truly loved a couple of women since, but I don't know if I ever gave my heart to someone so openheartedly since. I hope that if I ever do again, it will be with someone so beautiful, so freaky, and that I so admire as that girl.

Perhaps some day I will be ready for that. Perhaps I never will.


Daniel, that's beautiful. There really are no adequate words to describe that kind of love, I know that too. But you did a great job of it. :-)

*cries* awww. bewdiful, daniel-san. *cries more*

I know that girl, she's a total hobag.
You are a good writer.

oooh er. gimme gimme hobag girl :P

That made me cry.

me too. ah, those heartstrings... blimey. my first proper visit and you've kept me captivated for about 4 hrs... my mum's gonna cry too, when she gets the phone bill, and i blame it all on Chojung! dont know why i'm posting this - who' gonna read it now?! hee hee!