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i am totally not dealing with the idea of the holidays coming up soon well at all

Last year I started writing a list of all the people I absolutely had to buy presents for, and started writing a book of poetry for other people I wanted to show I gave a shit. Last year I came up with a halloween costume idea and executed on it and carved a damn pumpkin too. Last year I had a ragged joyful fucking Christmas and broke my arm but still felt nonetheless that I was basically on top of things.

This year I am totally behind. This year I am filled with dread at the thought of it. This year it seems too expensive. This year it seems like "goddamnit running my life just by itself is hard enough". This year I can't even write letters to anyone or practice any damn dharma or do just about anything else useful but bill hours and pay my bills. This year I do not feel like I have my shit together.

I know from expereience, that if I ignore the holdays, they just hurt worse. They are rushing up and I just can't seem to stand up and make myself get started. It's true, I'm dealing with some pretty heavy shit, but so is everyone. Fuck, man, it's time to start praying again. I am at wit's end.


Don't fret too much, man.

Compared to me, you have your shit locked down.

Yeah, I'm there too. It seems as though the holidays are racing toward me while I'm still trying to get my summer stuff done. I'm glad you are coming home and we can just sit and it won't matter between us what is done and what is left undone. I love you kiddo.

fuck the holidays! Everyone knows you love them and we love you too-so just sit, love.

You don't have to run around like a chicken with it's head cut off buying gewgaws to prove we matter and you certainly don't have to have your shit together to sit, right? In fact, isn't letting it all hang out-or... um, hanging out with your shit-what it's all about?